


Journals of the Demon

by Lack_of_Common_Sense



Category: Gintama
Genre: Diary/Journal, I Don't Even Know, M/M, creep-o-factor 0/10, don't ask me, genuine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2018-11-14 06:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11202357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lack_of_Common_Sense/pseuds/Lack_of_Common_Sense
Summary: Journal-styled Hijikata's thoughts on Gintoki and how the whatever-they-have-in-the-beginning eventually develops into something.Solely Hijikata's PoV. Lots of suggestions and hints at stuff, but little detail. Short chapters. Derp.





	1. Day 24 of the X month

To me, he was a saving grace.

We met coincidentally in a bar I’ve never been in before; I wandered inside with hesitation, disguised in civil clothes, not wanting anybody I knew to see me enter such a place. When I met him at the bar, I expected him to make fun of me and spread the word at the speed of light throughout the entire district – I was even ready to get into a fight the moment I recognised his rowdy voice beside me. In no way had I expected him to be sympathetic. He let me drink away my worries and listened to my rambling until the bar closed. He didn’t question me, didn’t laugh at me, he was just listening patiently without a word.

I vaguely remembered having snapped at him in a drunk fit of anger several times, and unlike usual, he let it slide.

Later and kind of blindly, we found a love hotel, and though almost sober, we paid for a room. Or rather, I gave him to money to do that. He was just as penniless as ever, but I did not dare show my face anywhere near the people there. If the word got out that I went to a love hotel with a man, there was a possibility of me being forced to leave the Shinsengumi, and that was a thought I couldn’t bear.

But he understood, surprisingly enough.

We waited for a while to sober up. He insisted that he wanted my head to be more or less clear, just in case I would want to kill him after.

We waited.

It had to be much harder for him to deal with the almost-sober me, and I had trouble relaxing myself. However…

He accepted all of me. Regardless of my rigidity, regardless of my selfishness, regardless of everything. No words had been said. For the moment, he helped me forget; finally, I could relax, at least a little bit. There was nothing in the entire universe, except for the heat, the sweat, the heavy breathing, the quickened heartbeat.

In the morning, we went our separate ways without saying anything. I felt guilty. I still do, but he was just as carefree as ever. And – honestly – my head is a little lighter after that.

It’s not something I can casually say thanks for, though.

Especially not to Gintoki.


	2. Day 29 of X month

We ‘met up’ again. It was by chance, and surprisingly enough, we both were sober. To specify, I think he was on his way to get some booze into his system, but he never got around doing that. Without a hint of shame, he talked to me on the dark empty street about things I would never say aloud.

Between our previous encounter and this one, we hadn’t met, and that was probably for the best – if that happened, I would have trouble facing him. I still did, but it helped nobody was around. He, however, seemed to have absolutely no problem with talking to me. And although I knew shouldn’t care, I found it… questionable.

He told me he had an itch a woman could not scratch.

And I agreed to go with him.


	3. Day 6 of X+1 month

We met again yesterday; I was not trying to avoid him, but it had been over a week since the last time. He seemed a little surprised to see me, but walked up to me without hesitation.

When he said that he let me have my way last time and that I should repay him somehow, I kind of expected to be pushed down. Considering I might or might not have had absolutely zero experience when we went to bed together, it was not unlikely that I had hurt him accidentally. He seemed absolutely fine before we parted ways, but I guess if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t let it show that my ass hurts, either.

He _did_ push me down. But not in the sense I had expected him to.

I was taken aback in more ways than one; he led me through it and taught me a lot. I doubt I’ll ever be able to convey just how grateful I was to him for being so weirdly supportive. Although it seemed unfit for him, he had more patience than I could have ever anticipated.

I kind of regretted the darkness that was in the room.

I kind of wanted to see what kind of faces he could have made.

He got me curious.

He usually looks either really dumb, or has a dead-fish, unreadable and uncaring pair of eyes. It makes me wonder if he was like that when we were doing the things unspoken of. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to see just yet.

Maybe, if there’s a next time, I’ll try and have a look.


	4. Day 18 of X+1 month

There are decisions about which I’m not sure why I made them. Though they are low in number, some of them baffle me.

Meeting Gintoki for that kind of thing _repeatedly_ is one of these decisions. It’s always him initiating it, and although in general I’m okay with it, I’d appreciate if he were a little more cautious. He might not care in particular if people know, but my reputation would go to shit if this went public.

Two days ago, he dragged me into a narrow alley behind a pile of burnable trash, even though I was wearing my uniform. That alone wasn’t half as bad as the fact that it was around noon and the streets were busy, as they would during that time of the day. I clocked him, and he said sorry, but he pressed me up against the wall anyway, pushing one of his knees between mine.

I punched him in the gut and left him there. Sure, I _might_ be into it, but groping me in public wouldn’t go unpunished. He should know better, too. He’s an adult, for crying out loud.

We agreed to ‘meet up’ tonight, though.


	5. Day 19 of X+1 month

He never showed up.

And this morning, he was nowhere to be found. Not even the kids at his place know where he went, as I found out when I stopped by with the excuse of being in the neighbourhood. I couldn’t say much about it to them – what would I say, even? ‘Hey, Gintoki and I were supposed to have a good fuck last night, but he never came, so that’s why he didn’t tell you why he went out, or where to.’

Yeah, right.

I appreciated his silence, but the situation was beyond suspicious.


	6. Day 30 of X+1 month

I stopped by the Yorozuya again, having a minor assignment from the Shinsengumi, but even before I walked up the stairs, I could feel that he wasn’t present. There was a heavy atmosphere surrounding the building, and when Shinpachi opened the door to let me in, he seemed like he hadn’t slept for years.

China girl wasn’t any better, and even that Amanto dog of theirs looked like it was on the verge of death.

They asked me to investigate his whereabouts.


	7. Day 7 of X+2 month

He’s still gone.

We’ve found no trace so far.

It’s worrisome.


	8. Day 8 of X+2 month

He came back.

Like nothing’s happened, like I haven’t been wrecking my brain over his disappearance, like I wasn’t unable to sleep with worry, he waltzed into the headquarters, asking me to call off the search. He’s fine, he told me, but he needs a little more time, and we’re to keep quiet about him so that Shinpachi and Kagura don’t go searching for him.

What the fuck is up with that?

Though I was glad to see that he wasn’t hurt, he can’t just… use me at his convenience.

I hate myself for agreeing to the silence he demanded.


	9. Day 9 of X+2 month

The Yorozuya kids came running, that they heard that Gintoki has stopped by. I didn’t have the heart to lie.

On the other hand, Sougo did.


	10. Day 13 of X+2 month

It’s the 25th day since he stood me up that time.

He’s back.

He’s back, and he came to visit me even before he went back to the Yorozuya.

He had no injuries, but he was unusually quiet, even for a person who sneaked into the Shinsengumi HQ.

And I was surprised how demanding he managed to be without saying much.


End file.
